


Good Ol' Fashioned Razzmatazz

by jaz_hop



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Arete uses the word 'cunt' a lot cause she's Australian, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Lenny is a racist little snake but I still love him, Morally Ambiguous Character, Multi, Original Character(s), Reincarnation, SI/OC, Self-Insert, Sorry Not Sorry, What Did You Expect, disney princess vibes with snake companion, lots of swearing, oc as parsletongue, oc gets reincarnated into harry potter, parsletongue, sorry can't tag for shit, was australian now scottish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:13:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26860444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaz_hop/pseuds/jaz_hop
Summary: Arete chose her name, just like she chose her life. If that meant running out of the orphanage homeless and into the woods, then so be it. But hey she can talk to snakes and Lenny is the best snake friend anyone could ask for... even if he is a bit racist.Minor self-insert. OC as protagonist. Reincarnation fic with a morally dubious main character who's a little more on the chaotic neutral side. Crack treated seriously!
Comments: 32
Kudos: 159





	1. You Trippin’ Little Ol’ Child?

I went by the name Arete. It wasn't the name given to me by anyone really, just the name I chose for myself. Did I have any particular reason for choosing so? Well I kind of did like the sound of it.

I had lived once before, or maybe I remembered a different life altogether. I wasn't exactly sure of how exactly all this worked. But I had a name back then too. A name I didn't choose. I figured it was time to choose one now.

At the age of five I just suddenly remembered another life vividly, too vivid for it to be the simple workings of my overactive imagination. Imagination didn't magically make someone understand university level mathematics in probability science, nor did it make anyone feel terribly in grief over the sudden loss of... well... _everything_.

A whole life lived and lost. Just like that it was gone. So I threw away the name the orphanage gave me. Chloe, they liked to call me. I said no. My name was Arete. A random Greek name I liked the sound of because it caught my fancy. I just wanted a name that sounded cool and unique. Call that childish, call that snapping at life and wanting something good for once, both weren’t wrong, neither were entirely right.

At first no one responded to me by said name, thinking I was going through some odd form of tantrum that seemingly made me more stubborn and uncontrollable, but eventually they got used to it. They had to. I wouldn't respond to any other name after all.

"Go to bed child," Madam Hawksbury chided.

She was a stern lady, dressed in tight clothes with her hair up in a bun. She didn't particularly like children from the way she acted around them, not that it stopped the little critters from clinging to her for some semblance of love, starved as they were for affection. I smirked, feeling more than a little petulant at her order. Something about being ordered around made me want to disobey. It was possible the simple challenge of it. It brought me more pleasure than it probably should have.

"Of course Madam Hawksbury," I said sweetly, emulating the voice of a 'proper lady'.

It was a little unfortunate I was born in the early 1980's, because a wild improper girl was seen as something of a disdain. It was not quite as encouraged as it was in the future to be so boisterous and outgoing. But since when had I ever worried about convention anyway?

It seemed for whatever reason, my body in this world fit the exact description of my personality. While in my previous life I had straight black hair, and unassuming features that clashed entirely with what I acted like, in this life I felt more like me. I had voluminous wavy mahogany hair that surrounded my head like a thick mane, bright hazel, almost orange eyes that shone through honey brown skin. I figured I must have been of some mixed descent, but I couldn't exactly tell because no one really had a clue where I came from. I was found near-dead and abandoned by some trash in an alley in Scotland somewhere.

"I don't like that tone Chloe," Madam Hawksbury snarled.

"What tone?" I asked, feigning ignorance.

She grabbed me harshly by my forearm. I ignored the pain of her tight grip as she dragged me into the sleeping quarters. The other girls all gave me varying degrees of confused to worried looks as Hawksbury came fuming in on one of her moods.

"You will go to bed! Tomorrow you will be on toilet cleaning duties for your attitude, and it will continue until you make something proper of yourself," she scolded coldly before promptly turning to leave.

She slammed the door for effect, and everyone flinched simultaneously from the noise. Once she left, I snorted in amusement and then turned to see the bewildered look from the other children. Annabeth, the oldest at 14 jumped from her bunk bed to presumably come to console me when she realised, I was perfectly fine. Her expression of worry quickly turned into baffled exasperation.

"Do you have to poke the lying bear?" she sighed.

I pulled out a key from behind me and everyone stared wide eyed. I grinned in victory. Doris Hawksbury was a woman who despised the touch. She liked to stay approximately a meter distance away from motley little children if she could, and only ever closed the distance to get physical in some way. To get the privilege of her touch was to risk getting a beating. It was also really the only way to get close to her because she really did live up to her name. Her eyes were as sharp as a Hawk when it came to people invading her personal space. I needed to drive her ire to get what I needed. A key to escape.

"You lot can live the rest of your life stored away here like little pets to be bought, or you can come with me and live a little," I said shrugging.

"We can't leave. Where would we even go when we get out there? You won't get any shelter or food or—or" Annabeth continued.

"Plus it's dangerous out there for little girls like us. Creeps everywhere," Lily added in.

I shrugged noncommittally. If they didn't want to come, then it was their prerogative. I wasn't their mother, and it wasn't like we were friends either. For as much as I understood their reluctance to step out of line, I couldn't follow them. They had lived their entire short lives under the strict thumb of a woman who would, without hesitation, starve and beat them for even _thinking_ out of line. They behaved perfectly, tried to pretty themselves up and act like normal children because it was all they could do to escape. To be bought like a prize by some hopefully loving family. There was absolutely no agency in being a child, in being someone with no power whatsoever. It was unfair and cruel when the world refused to budge an inch to your desires.

"Well, I can't exactly force you lot to come with me, but I'm not staying here a bloody moment longer than I have to."

I walked over to my mangy old bed and with great effort pulled up the mattress with my twibby little arms. I quickly grabbed the old backpack I had managed to scrounge up. It held everything I needed to start my journey, a torch, a bottle of water some match sticks, a set of knives I stole from the kitchen, a whole lot of beef jerky and other dried food, rope, a thick blanket and some spare clothes. It was stuffed full and looked too large on my tiny body when I put it on, but I could hardly care less how I looked right now. I was just eager to leave and be done with all this nonsense.

"How do you even expect to survive out there?!" Annabeth asked in panic.

"I'll find a way," I shrugged.

"Look I know we aren't exactly... family but we're better than no one," she urged.

I sent her a raised brow and then looked at the other silent children. There were a dozen or so of us crammed into this tiny room and only Annabeth spoke. It said a great deal that no one bothered to try and stop me. They were too beaten down and broken to do anything and I didn't want to join them in their depression any time soon, waiting for someone to come and save me when they wouldn't.

"You think I'm doing this for family?" I asked incredulously. "I'm leaving because if I waited for someone to come help me then I'd be waiting forever. It's a waste of time. You lot should get out while you still can."

I strode a little quicker to the window and then pushed the key into the lock. I felt a pang of regret for having to leave these children behind. I had irrevocably changed from the Chloe of three months ago, but that Chloe who lived the early five years of her life with these kids still existed. I felt for them, I really did, but I couldn't stay. Maybe I was being selfish in some way, but I just physically couldn't do it. Having to sit put and listen to adults ordering me around until I had no character of my own, until I wilted away into a shell of my former self. I couldn't do it. Also I had 23 years of extra experience under my belt, of a person who had a whole family, maybe not loving or kind, but a family, nonetheless. I wasn't eager to experience that mess all over again.

Sometimes it was just better to be alone.

I pushed open the window and turned back to see Annabeth blinking away tears.

"I really am sorry... I hope you all find loving families one day."

Then I pushed my legs up and around and awkwardly fell onto the spikey bush underneath. I could hear the scrambling of feet coming towards the door.

"Are you ok?" Lily asked.

I spat out some leaves and groaned in embarrassment. Wasn't this meant to be my cool moment or something? I rolled clumsily out of the bush and stumbled to my feet before dusting off the debris of leaves and dirt and giving them a thumbs up.

Annabeth narrowed her eyes from the window. She didn't look too impressed or convinced about what I was doing. Not that my little stumble had helped in any way assure her I could take care of myself.

"We'll be waiting for you when you come back," she sighed.

I stuck my tongue out at her and flipped her of. I could take care of myself! Five-year-old body or not. She snorted and closed the window, gesturing for the other girls to go back. They all followed her lead. She was Hawksbury's favourite after all. I felt a little irritated at my useless twip of a body for betraying me. The others probably thought I'd never make it out on my own. Who knows maybe they were right? I'd never been homeless before in my previous life, so I had no clue how all that worked, not to mention doing it while you're still 3 feet tall felt like hard-mode. Yeah, I was probably going to get caught by some form of child protective services if I went to a homeless shelter, and then I'd inevitably be back on my way to the orphanage again.

So I decided to do something I'd never done before to catch my bearings. People would probably search a week or two for a missing child, but not really more than that, especially for one with no parents. I would just have to wait it out a little in the nearby forest. An extended camping trip if you will. I was really only calling it that to give myself the peace of mind.

I stuck to the shadows as I passed the quiet cold streets. Scotland was never a place I thought I'd be going ever. I lived in Australia for most of my previous life. It was hot and airy, with surprisingly chilly nights and winters, but it was never this cold. I managed to ignore the biting air in favour of looking around the place for the first time. I felt too much like a tourist for someone who was supposedly born in Scotland with the accent and everything, not that I had to keep it. I found it funny how I could switch from Scottish to Australian at will now.

I caught the sign and confirmed my whereabouts. Some small town named Elgen. I walked over to the small building and wormed my way in as quietly as I could from the open back window. Once I was in, I went over to the maps section and grabbed as many as I could before noticing a bowl of candy at the desk. I shovelled the whole lot into my pocket and escaped as quickly as I could. Once I left the inn, I pulled open the map and pulled out my torch. The maps were easy enough to read and I quickly got my bearings. The fact that nights in small towns were quiet and empty helped in my escape, but I kept an eye out until I reached the forest edge. I cut open the fence easily enough and ran of into the forest.

A laugh escaped my throat once I was a safe distance away from any human. I should have been scared. A small child all alone in a forest with no real knowledge on how to survive, but I wasn't. I was just glad to be free out of that horrid place and so I stretched my arms and looked up into the night sky, littered with countless stars as far as the eye could see and a bright crescent moon that made for a beautiful sight.

"Freedom, how sweet... and irritatingly cold you taste!" I shouted with another giggle.

Then I got about piling as many leaves as I could find into a bundle so I could sleep somewhere with my blanket for the night.

* * *

Freedom was tiring work. I travelled for the day down the stream, and enjoyed the view immensely. Once the forest gave way to grassy plains and hilly mountains, I was met with the foreign sight of natural Scottish beauty. The Isles were a sight to behold. I even caught sight of some deer and squirrels, two animals I hardly ever saw native in Australia.

Sure the night had been cold and uncomfortable, but I wasn't one to complain. Travel was calming and despite being alone I didn't quite feel lonely. The world seemed too alive and inviting for that ache of loneliness to set in like it had among countless other children who didn't look my way. But as the days went by things became a bit harder to keep up with. I underestimated how much I could ration so I started trying to hunt some fish with a stick, really dive deep into my caveman roots, but I was no fish spearing champion. I eventually settled on a bird trap I used to make as a child. Birds were fascinating creatures, but they were hard to come up close to and really see. All finicky and jumpy with their freedom and all... definitely unlike me.

It wasn't hard to make but the idea of sacrificing some rationed food to put in the trap was painful. I did it anyway and then waited patiently with my rope in hand, glad to have brought it along. One did not play Dungeons and Dragons for years to only forget how useful ropes were. It took about 4 hours for anything to come by, and when it did it was a squirrel. I pulled the rope and watched jump startled in the trap.

"Ah poor little man. I'll um... kill you quick ok," I said apologetically as I picked it up.

I wasn't exactly sure how to kill the cute critter, so I simply held a knife to its throat and paused. It was squirming around, thrashing everywhere in my hands and it just had the cutest, biggest brown eyes I'd ever seen. Plus its hands were so _tiny_. God it was so tiny! I couldn't kill it.

"Ahh I'm sorry little man! It's your lucky day. Alas I am ball-less. Could be because I'm a girl, could be because I'm a pussy... dad always used to tell me that you know. Don't be a pussy," I sighed as I continued ranting to the frightened creature.

Who was I kidding? I couldn't camp out in the wild forever! But it had only been five days. I couldn't help the little disappointment rake through me as I let go of the animal. It skittered off into its tree and out of sight leaving me squatting on the ground ruffling my oily, jumbled mess of a hair in frustration.

"Fuck, dad was right," I grumbled, running a hand down my face, and pulling at my chin.

"You don't have the guts, he said. You aren't ever going to make anything of yourself, he said. I did! It's not my fault I died before I could get my big break! I was so close to a promotion. So close! Just a few more weeks and I could have been rubbing my fat pay-check on his face! Fuck he was such a cunt!"

I grumbled in irritation, ranting my heart out to the wild. Yeah, I was so close to changing my shitty life around and then I died and ended up in this twip of a body. Not to mention this life sucked marginally more than my old one did. At least I was an adult then! I was the first one to get a degree in my family! Spent years studying my ass of while working to pay for my own tuition just so I could get that Doctorate title. That's right I was a goddamn Doctor! Years of my life spent on getting that PHD on probability physics and here I was dead and now stuck in the body of a homeless child.

"That really sucksss"

I snapped my attention up at the voice and looked around in confusion. I was mildly panicked at the thought that someone heard me, but when I looked around there wasn't anyone there. I frowned and shook my head.

"Fuck, now I'm hallucinating!"

"Silly humansss"

I looked up and noticed a green snake. I blinked in confusion as I noticed the little bump in its stomach.

"Oh god did you eat that squirrel?! Dammit, what was the point of my heroic sacrifice then?" I cried out in frustration.

"Your fault you didn't eat her when you had the chanseeee."

Wait... had the snake talked... the snake was talking. I narrowed my eyes and blinked again, and it looked straight at me. Was I going fucking insane too?

"Did you j-just talk?" I stuttered in shock.

It seemed to pause for a second startled.

"You can underssstand me humannnh? Not ssooh sstupid like the ressst of your kind," it hummed as if it was the most bloody normal thing to do in the world.

I put a hand on my head and took in a few deep, calming breathes, trying to push down the growing panic. Fuck, I was going insane. Was this all just insanity? The elaborate dream of someone who should be locked up in a mental facility. Maybe this confusingly intricate fantasy was coming unravelled in a mess of increasingly ridiculous situations, until the moon became a derp face and all the horses were replaced with my little pony stand ins and Alduin was Thomas the Tank Engine! Oh wait... that was my ridiculous Skyrim mods, not a potential fever dream.

"I should have just taken myself to a mental institution," I mumbled in horror.

"You ssshould. What sssane creattture givesss up a meaaal?"

"If you're really a talking snake then nodd your head!"

"Why sshould I do that huuuman? What isss in it for me? Another meal?" it asked.

"I don't know! Is it so hard just to nodd your head or something?!"

It hissed in what looked like snake frustration and nodded its head. I blinked and rubbed my eyes again. It wasn't a hallucination... or at least if it was it was certainly realistic.

"Damn, so I can talk to snakes huh. So what's your name little man?"

"I am no little maaan!" it shouted in disbelief. "I am a ssnaaake not a mammal, and we don't have these namesss. What is the point?"

I scratched my cheek. "To you know... differentiate between individuals I guess."

"Haah ussseless jussst like the ressst of your kind," it hissed.

"Hey, no need to be a racist cunt," I huffed before once again doing a double take on the fact that I was talking to a snake.

Oddly enough I was taking this pretty well. Too well in fact. Maybe the crazy had settled in.

"Ok well, I need to call you something, and since you won't let me call you little man, you are henceforth dubbed Lenny."

"Sstupid huuman. You give me a name and I won't sssee you again. It isss pointless."

"Yeah then why exactly have you stuck around to talk to me for so long then?" I asked, crossing my arms, and snorting in amusement. Lenny paused as if glowering for being caught in the act.

"I asssumed it wasss an odd human ritual to catch prey and leaaave it. Thought I would sstick around to eat after," Lenny replied, then made to leave.

"Hey wait, wait! Don't go!"

Lenny paused and turned to look at me. I sighed in relief. Crazy or not, I didn't want a talking snake to leave me alone. Worst case scenario, I could sell him off to make some insane money. A talking snake would sell for quite a lot right! Well unless he was a hallucination, but I doubt I'd be alive for long if he was, because he was quite a large creature. I didn't know where I got the courage from, maybe it was my dad's voice whispering 'pussy' into my ears, because I held out my hand close to the hanging snake. He slithered on despite his grumbling. Maybe we both just didn't want to admit to being lonely.

"Hey Lenny, you're really giving a girl some hope here. Never thought I'd ever be a Disney Princess one day," I said excitedly.

"I don't know what you meaaan but I disssagree," he said mildly as he wrapped himself around my neck.

"Hahaha... please don't strangle me," I said nervously chuckling.

"Sstoop opening that ugly flap on your facceee and I won't."

I mimed zipping my lips out of mild fear but mostly what meagre self-preservation instincts I had left and Lenny nodded in approval.

"And human—”

"Yes?"

"Lennnny isssn't a bad name."

I couldn't help but smile at that.

* * *

I had an animal companion... which was odd in and of itself, but the company was welcome, even if Lenny did enjoy the silence. We both had one thing in common though, we enjoyed baking in the sun. I sat by the river, enjoying the clear sky and the sun against my increasingly darkening skin. Ah the joy of melanin. No more peeling skin for this girl.

"Hey Lenny do all snakes talk or is it just you?" I asked.

"Snakesss are intelligent. Magical. Like Owlss and Catsss. Like some humansss like you and the old man that livesss down in the cabin," he replied.

"Magical? Wait actually hold up there for a second. What old man in what cabin?" I asked, turning to look at him.

"Human in the foressst like you. Your kind like to liveee in thossseee weird stone walls but sometimesss the good ssort come here," he replied.

Lenny was an irredeemable racist. Heck he had dubbed me the 'good sort of human' which was both a compliment and an insult, but I couldn't bring myself to hate him for it. Humans did kind of suck. Still Lenny was useful. He knew his way around the woods. He knew where to best catch squirrels and find mice hiding away and what berries one could and could not eat. I had eaten so many berries it could have made a whole as pie and a dozen. The matter of the fact was that Lenny was incredibly knowledgeable for a year-old snake.

"So this man in the woods. Does he have a whole house or just a cabin?" I asked.

"What isss the diffferenssse?"

"Ah never mind. The point is he probably has some canned food stored in there. I was never bourgeoisie enough to own a holiday cabin, but I've seen enough movies to know you at least stack the place with firewood and canned food.

"Heat and sussstenance. We ssshould go," Lenny replied eagerly.

"My thoughts exactly comrade Lenny!"

"Comraade?"

"Well I thought since we were going to steal someone else's stuff and share it around I'd make a communist joke... cause you know that's what they did... and you don't even know what it is do you," I said my voice falling flat at the end.

"Humansss and their sstrange thingsss are irrelevant to me," he said dismissively as he curled himself onto my shoulder.

"And yet you use me to travel around."

"You are admittedly fassster," he replied begrudgingly.

"Ok then, no time to waste. Let's go do some breaking and entering with my superiorly faster human legs! Yeah this is going to be fun!"

The idea of doing something risky and illegal had me excited after weeks of walking around in a silent forest with a moody snake for company. I needed something to spice it all up a little.

"Firssst you do that bathing humaaan ritual. You sssmell," he grumbled.

"It's cold! Ok... fine!"

* * *

Bathing in the wild was uncomfortable and downright torture. The water was freezing and so was I for a good portion of the time after. My incredibly thick, curly mane of hair didn’t help. It was bundling together in clumps now and looked more like a giant tangled birds nest than actual hair. But the worst part was that it took way too long to dry, and so I was stuck shivering with a wet head for most of the walk towards said cabin.

“They better have a fireee. You are cooold,” Lenny complained.

“Well get off me then,” I grumbled back.

We continued in silence and I began humming. Then tapping. Then my hips began to twist.

“Whattt are you doing huuuman?

“I was caught in the middle of a railroad track. Thunder! And I knew there was no turning back~ Thunder!” I began singing.

“Whhaaat isss it?” Lenny pressed.

“Music Lenny. I don’t have any speakers here let alone wi-fi, so you’re going to have to deal with my singing.”

Then I continued rocking mildly to ACDC, feeling a pang of homesickness as the thought of rock and roll. They didn’t have it in this world or universe or whatever the heck I was in… which sucked ass! I did briefly consider maybe writing up these songs and publishing them myself in the future, but first I’d have to solve this homelessness issue.

“My mind raced, and I thought what could I do~ Thunder ~ and I knew there was no help, no help from you~ Thunder ~ sound of the drums beatin' in my heart. The thunder of guns tore me apart. You've been – thunderstruck!”

“It’sss not ssso bad. I like it,” Lenny hummed bobbing his head.

“Lenny, you and I are going to be great friends!” I cried in joy. “Let me introduce you to rock’n’roll buddy. We’ll accomplish great things together!”

“You’re being dramatic agaaain,” he grumbled. “Jussst sssing.”

“Will do Lenny my man,” I said happily.

The rest of the trip was a lot more fun. The fact that Lenny actively enjoyed my singing, even without the instrumental in the back, made me feel a lot better about _everything_. God, I missed music. Why was this world always so drab? Heck, just imagining looking at myself hurt me physically right now. I couldn’t exactly afford to look amazing, but my oversized tattered clothes probably looked hideous.

“It’sss there,” Lenny said, finally breaking his silence.

I looked ahead in confusion and saw nothing.

“Are you sure Lenny? Cause I see jack shit,” I replied with a frown.

“Humansss are blind?”

“No, I just don’t see a cabin,” I retorted.

Lenny slithered down my body noncommittally before he slithered on forward. Not knowing what else to do, I followed him forward and after taking a few steps I nearly startled myself onto the ground, because suddenly in front of me was a whole as cabin! What the actual fuck was going on? Another hallucination maybe?

I’d just come to accept Lenny as real, but this really threw a wrench in my sudden faith in his realness. Was I really just having a vivid Alice in Wonderland-esque acid-trip or something? It wasn’t like I had anything better to do though, so I let myself into the cabin, following after the snake and into the dusty, unvented interior.

I expected some taxidermy, maybe the casings of a few rifles and a crusty old bed or two, but I didn’t expect whatever this was. I paused and took in the incredibly chaotic interior. There were books stacked heavily on shelves upon shelves, no guns, no firewood but a very intricate looking fireplace. I scrounged around and to my relief found canned food stuffed into the interiors of the tiny kitchen, granted it was spam, but beggars couldn’t be choosers.

“There’ss no wood,” Lenny voiced his complaints.

“Are you kidding Lenny! There’s so many things here that we didn’t expect, and you’re concerned about wood to burn? What’s all this about runes and poppycock potions?” I asked as I picked up a few of the books.

“How am I meant to knooow. Humasss are crazzzy,” Lenny hissed.

“I could say the same about snakes.”

Lenny seemed to take great offence to that.

“Snakesss are sssuperior creaturesss with greater inteligenssse. Do not insssult our kind,” he hissed angrily.

I rolled my eyes in amusement. I ignored him in favour of dusting off the book on runes in my hand. It was all stupidly detailed and unironic that it made me wonder if there was some sort of hobby that just had people write up whole Dungeons and Dragons books for the sake of it. I scanned the rest of the books and one of them caught my eye.

“Arithemancy in Architecture,” I mumbled in curiosity as I picked it up.

I skimmed through in confusion, but something clicked, and I wondered if maybe this was… _real_. It felt real. I kept reading and reading until I had eaten up the whole book in two hours and then I rushed to pick up a twig. I scrambled for a piece of paper, and began translating the equations down before I paused, wondering what the fuck I was doing. I looked at the twig in my hand and considered this proof. I couldn’t hallucinate a twig could I? I held it up, calculating the angle exactly to the sun like the book had instructed me to and I threw it.

It fell straight into the ground, sticking up.

“Nah, that couldn’t mean anything. Once is chance, twice is coincidence, and thrice is a pattern,” I repeated to myself before I picked up the stick again and redid the formulae.

I threw it one more time, this time aiming a lot less. I blinked my eyes open and turned to see it stick up from the ground in the exact same hole. I blinked in confusion and then picked it up again before repeating, this time with my eyes closed. When I opened my eyes to see it in the same exact position again, I felt my jaw drop.

“What the actual ever living fuck is going on?!”

“Magic Arete. It isss magic,” Lenny said as if it was obvious.

I picked up the book and rushed back into the cabin. The shelves upon shelves of what I previously thought to be useless fantasy books, suddenly seemed infinitely more interesting.

“Lenny, I have work to do!”

My face splitting smile was definitely not from the prospect of becoming a goddamn WIZARD!

* * *

Here's a picture of Arete I drew of when she's a little older!

Check more of my art out @jaz_hop on instagram! Just a little shameless promotion there XD


	2. Garlic, Spam and Bloody Hands

“Transfiguration… potions… herbology… divination,” I mumbled in growing realisation. “No, no—no. _Noooope_. Yeah, no way in hell! Just NO!”

“Ssstop complaining and ssset up the fire,” Lenny said irritated.

“Lenny, we have bigger problems here! All these books—they’re all the same type of magic taught in Harry Potter!”

Lenny simply stared at me as I was speaking nonsense. I probably was to him. I realised that if this was indeed Harry Potter, then of course people wouldn’t say they were _in_ Harry Potter. Who in their right mind would base their whole world context around one person, admittedly one _famous_ person, but a person, nonetheless?

The fact remained that I was potentially in a _fictional world_. How did that even work? I felt myself settle down a little as I calmed myself down. Really at this stage did it matter if it was all a hallucination? It felt so incredibly real that it may as well have been, and I’d tried to wake myself up, believe me. But there was no waking up from this.

Did I even want to be woken up… magic remember!

“Who isss thisss Harry Potter?” Lenny asked.

“Some kid who was meant to die but then… didn’t?”

“Sssoundsss uninteresssting,” he said dismissively before slithering back near the flames.

“Yeah, but get this—he’s supposed to defeat this Dark Lord and save Wizarding Britain. But who knows… maybe I’m wrong about all of this and I just ended up somewhere that happens to use J.K Rowling’s magic system.”

“Thessse namesss mean nothing to mee,” Lenny said in growing irritation.

“Ah, sorry Lenny, I’m being a right cunt. Look I’ll just go with the flow from now on ok. No more freak outs. I promise.”

“Your human promisssesss mean nothing to me,” he retorted, although he did sound pleased that I was going to calm down.

I went back to reading for a bit and then spent the rest of the day cleaning up the place. I just hoped the old man who owned this place wouldn't kill me when he got back. I just needed to use this place for a week. Read as much as I could then take the interesting books and leave, although the idea of leaving now felt ridiculous. I considered spending some more time here just using the knowledge stored here to my use. I didn't exactly have an eidetic memory, so it would probably take me a few years to really study all these books... but I just didn't have that kind of time.

Camping had been fun, but I didn't really have the survival skills necessary to maintain doing this for long. The days were getting colder and I couldn't live out in the forest during wintertime. I needed to get to the next town, away from the orphanage and then pickpocket some people. Going to the shady part of town would be dangerous but there really wasn't any other way I could see myself living.

"Hey Lenny, would you follow me to the city if I went?" I asked, trying to keep the nervousness from my voice.

Lenny's head rose from where he had curled himself up. I never thought the day would come when I'd be able to read a snake’s facial expressions, but here I was able to do just that, and easily too might I add. He was contemplating it.

"I might asss well," he relented.

I sighed in relief. I didn't know why, but the thought of parting from him filled me with anxiety. Lenny was a companion who treated me like an equal, not like a child. One could say even as a friend... or maybe that was me stretching things a little too far a little too early.

"You're also poisonous right?"

"Extremely," he said proudly.

Well that was a relief. There were a lot of creeps out there that would no doubt prey on a weak, helpless child. Though not a lot of people would want to mess with a little girl with a poisonous snake ready to attack.

I looked back at the books and hummed in thought. I didn't have a wand, and there were none lying around here. Arithmancy was useful for predicting things, and you didn't need a wand for Runes. Heck almost everything required that bloody stick. Even potions did.

If the Wizarding world really was real, then that would mean there were enchanted items. Maybe some pretty looking jewellery that shot fire or acid or turned rocks into candy. Candy sounded very nice right now after days of beef jerky and spam.

The issue was I had no idea how to get to the Wizarding World. I did recall it was in Britain somewhere. Maybe in London? If this really was the Harry Potter verse.

Then it occurred to me... I could talk to Lenny. Lenny was a snake. If this was Harry Potter, then...

"Oh shit!"

* * *

After another sufficiently long freak out session, I managed to get myself into a comfortable routine in the cabin. It was nice to have a place to sleep that wasn't out in the open and drying by the fireplace was quicker than doing so on the road. I also found a comb... which helped get rid of the clumps in my hair, so it looked less like I was a homeless person... well actually I still looked pretty homeless.

"Have you skinned the squirrel we caught?"

I gulped and turned away. Lenny killed the little critters for me because I was a downright coward when it came to murdering animals. Still, Lenny didn't eat it for me, which meant he had listened to me complain about how disgusting spam was and out of the goodness of his cold-blooded heart decided to share. He couldn't exactly skin an animal though. For as much as he believed snakes to be superior to humans, snakes did not have fingers or opposable thumbs.

Humans 1. Snakes 0.

I nodded reluctantly and rushed out of the cabin before he could comment further on me. I could hear my dad whisper 'pussy' and I found myself gearing up ready, knife in hand to do the deed.

"Ah fuck me right up, I'm sorry little man, but you’re going to be food for this useless 'apex predator'," I said apologetically as I dug the knife in.

* * *

The deed was done, messily, but done. Turns out skinning an animal wasn't easy work, neither was gutting it. Didn't help that I had no clue what to do with all these body parts I'd never seen before.

I entered the cabin holding the bleeding carcass out in front of me with disgust. Lenny looked like a pleased parent.

"Good now eat it," he urged.

"It's bloody raw Lenny. I have to cook it first," I said grimacing as I put it on the kitchen sink.

I moved to dunk it into the bucket of water I had procured when suddenly there was a loud booming sound from the fireplace. I turned around in confusion to see a tall 20 something looking man stare at me in bewilderment.

Oh crap, was this the wizard who owned the place? Unsure of what to do, I just found myself staring at him like he was doing to me. Then his gaze caught my bloody hands and something about his posture changed. I jumped back in shock when he all but teleported right at me, and my hand was... in his mouth?

"Is this some odd wizard greeting or something?" I laughed nervously as I tried fruitlessly to tug my hand back.

Was he sucking on my fingers? He hummed in what seemed like pleasure for a moment before his eyes widened, then paused for a moment and realised what he was doing. Slowly he pulled his mouth away from my fingers, straightened himself up, fixing up his coat and collar as he cleared his throat.

"What are you doing here child? How did you find this place?" he asked with a scowl.

"Um excuse me, are we just going to bloody gloss over... whatever that was?" I asked wiggling my fingers in front of him.

His eyes seemed to slit together and focus in on my hand and I sent Lenny an urgent look. Said snake was already slithering up my shoulders protectively, hissing at the man. The wizard looked at the snake and then to me in confusion. He drew himself closer and then his nose twitched, and he held it shut as if I stunk. Should I be surprised?

Nah... weirder things have happened.

"You smell like the dead. That was animal blood wasn't it. Not as sweet," he huffed as he crossed his arms.

"Oh and you know the taste of blood, how?"

"You're either daft or extremely brave. Why haven't you run away yet?" he enquired as if I was a curiosity.

"Sure an adult greeting a child by licking the blood of their hands is extremely creepy, but I'm going to choose to believe you have a blood play fetish so I can save myself the headache," I responded dryly.

"Idiot he isss a vampiree/Fool I am a vampire!" both Lenny and the man hissed at me.

"Wait am I in a Twilight crossover?!"

"That'sss it iff you diee I don't care," Lenny said slithering off my shoulder.

The vampire man held the bridge of his nose in a mixture of bafflement and frustration before he looked at me.

"Your survival instincts really need to be fixed child. What makes you think I won't kill you right this moment?"

"Well because I'm delicious and you want to keep me around for a second serving?"

"No, in fact you stink of death and would probably taste like rotten meat," he replied in disgust.

"Firstly, I am sure I taste delicious, thank you very much! And you’re basically the pot calling the kettle black in this scenario Mr Undead Vampire. Anyway it's probably because I'm a reincarnation or something, and I've been having an extremely confusing couple of weeks so excuse me if I'm just rolling with the flow."

The vampire looked absolutely done with his life but for some reason I didn't feel threatened at all. In fact I was just curious about everything really.

"Shouldn't have taken that bloody oath," he cursed under his breath.

"Hey Mr. Vampire, you're not exactly an old man and if you're a vampire why do you have so many books on magic? Can Vamps also multiclass into Wizard?"

"Who informed you of this cabin? There are wards in place to stop rodents like you from entering," he asked angrily, ignoring my question altogether which was rude, but I guess he had a right to be annoyed.

"Well Lenny told me."

"And who is this Lenny?"

"My friend here," I said gesturing at the green snake laying idly on a chair.

The Vampire paused for a second before groaning and running his hand down his face.

"Of course she's related to that irritating mongrel. A Slytherin! Salazar you bastard."

"Hey, hey it's news to me too. Guess the old man got around huh."

"He's dead is what he is. You're just another pesky descendent of his. Your lot seem to plague my existence," the Vampire cursed. "Ok, nice chat child, but it's time for you to leave."

I was picked up by the scruff of my collar and Lenny hissed in agitation at the action as he rushed towards me. I didn't know whether to feel frightened at my potential death or go 'awww' at the fact that Lenny cared so much.

"Wait, wait, wait! Before you throw me out how about we make a deal!" I tried.

"What could you possibly give me child?"

"Blood?" I said weakly, giving him my sweetest smile.

He continued moving forward and then I began mildly panicking.

"Ok! How about this! I'll be like your servant or something! Go out and do what you want in the sunlight and all that jazz!"

He seemed to pause at that and give me a confused look. Then he hesitantly put me down and crossed his arms.

"And what makes, you— a human, want to help a Vampire?"

"I meaaaan~ if I'm being honest here do I really want to help a Vampire or—"

He levelled me a dirty look and I backtracked.

"Ok, ok, geeze it's purely for pragmatic reasons. I don't really have anything against Vampires or anyone really. Just think of it as a mutually beneficial relationship. I help you and you help me."

"And what is it you want child? My curse bestowed upon you?"

"And ruin this beautiful brown tan I just got. No thanks!" I said shaking my head. "I just want to learn magic. Why else would I have stayed in some old blokes’ cabin?"

"Because you are a run-away," he replied dryly.

I laughed nervously at that. "Ok yeah, you caught me red-handed," I said waving around my bloody hands. I was received with silence and so I quickly coughed and decided to drop the joke. "But do we have a deal?"

I held out my hand hopefully, and the Vampire sighed before shaking it. He did wrap a towel around his hand before he touched me though which was rude! Not like a moment ago he hadn’t hesitated to shove it right into his mouth.

"Is it true what you said? That you are a reincarnation?" he asked curiously.

"Oh yeah definitely. There was a whole fictional book about this world in my old one. Not sure how it works but there's this boy named Harry Potter it follows."

"The boy-who-lived?" the Vampire asked sceptically.

I nodded. He seemed to take a moment before throwing his dark red robes behind him and striding to find a teacup. I walked behind him, craning my neck in curiosity to watch him begin brewing some tea only to throw most of it away. He twirled around the cup a little and hummed to himself.

"My name's Arete by the way," I chimed in.

"Ah-huh," he replied dismissively as he kept staring into the cup.

Then suddenly he jumped up and rushed past me to grab some rune stones and throw them onto the table. He fervently began scrambling to push them in some odd pattern. I was beyond wondering what he was doing.

"What's your name by the way?"

"Chatty little thing aren't you," he said unhappily. "It is Orpheus Lestoat for you child."

"And what are you doing... with those stones I mean?"

He paused then sighed, then turned to finally pay me some attention. He narrowed his pitch-black eyes my way.

"I am trying to figure out whether you'll be a pain in my arse or a potential aid. With your kind it tends to go either way. Unfortunately for me it seems the fates have judged you useful, or I would have done away with you by now."

"A common theme," Lenny agreed.

"Hey!" I said a little indignantly at my companion.

"Well if you are to be my servant there are rules. No blood in this house. If you are bleeding take it outside. All windows are to be shut during daytime. My cauldron is off limits. And most importantly, I catch a whiff of garlic on you and I will not hesitate to murder you on the spot," he growled looming over me.

"Wait you're really allergic to garlic?! Oh man that fucking sucks. You really can't have garlic bread?"

Orpheus's brow twitched and he rubbed the tip of his nose. Was he getting a headache? Lenny seemed pleased somehow, if him gently curling himself around my neck meant anything.

"I am already rethinking this offer, but as it stands, I do need a human’s help right now. You will have to do."

Well wasn't that just convenient. I froze when he pulled out a wand and pointed it at me.

"Scourgify," he grumbled.

I felt my breath seize up as the spell hit my body. Soap filled my mouth, and I began coughing it out. Once the burn in my throat faded, I sent Orpheus a glare as I wiped my tongue vigorously.

"You can thank me later child. You stunk."

"It's not my fault!" I said spitting the last of the soap out. "I can't exactly bathe every day in this cursed weather."

"Well, luckily for you since I am your master now, I will not allow you to fester in filth. It would give the Lestoat family a bad name to see a servant so soiled," he replied in his holier than though tone.

I rolled my eyes. Geeze why must I be the one to suffer through everyone’s suddenly inflated superiority complex. But to be fair, I did smell really good for the first time in months.

"Well then come along, we will get to business and to do that you need to look presentable," he said gesturing to the fireplace.

"Wait I get to use the floo! Oh my god and a shopping trip. I could kiss you right now Orpheus."

Before I could hug him, his hand held my forehead back and he grimaced at me as if getting hugged by a human was an insulting thought. I just chuckled at that. Who knew being a servant was so fun?

"Your lack of caaare for thisss vampire isss amusssing but alssso dangerousss," Lenny snorted.

"Well he is pretty fun, isn't he?"

Lenny hummed in agreement as he settled himself against my shoulder. Orpheus was already setting up the floo powder.

"Well step in child, we don't have all day," he gestured to the fireplace.

"And where exactly are we going?" I asked.

"Darkshrew Spire," he grunted. "Say it clearly. If you get lost, I won't come looking for you."

I looked at the powder excitedly in my hands. Actual real-life teleportation. I grinned excitedly at that.

"Darkshrew Spire!" I exclaimed as I threw the powder down.

My body spun together and out almost like I was being sucked inwards to a fixed point into another. It was incredibly uncomfortable, but also extremely awesome. I stumbled out of the next fireplace clumsily, coughing up some of the soot before I blinked in my surroundings.

"That wasss unpleasssant," Lenny complained.

"That was awesome!" I disagreed before I looked around.

I was in some giant conical building without any windows. The walls were made of perfectly curved wood which was honestly an impressive feat of architecture. Floating lanterns lit the room from one end to the other, placed in perfect rotation upwards just like the winding stairs placed in an opposite rotation to the lanterns. I craned my neck up to see the top of the building, and I was surprised by how high it went.

"Twist that neck up anymore and it will crack child," Orpheus snipped as he pushed my head down and strode ahead of me.

I didn't even have a come back to that. I was just in awe with the magic of this place. People of all kinds in odd fashion walked around levitating wares and books from the shelves. Orpheus called out my name and I ran after the man who didn't even look my way. Once I caught up to him I noted a few faerie like creatures giggling to each other, mostly human looking folk in various different styled clothes and a very, very, very tall woman.

"What is this place?" I asked.

"A sort of safe haven for all kinds of creatures. Even humans like you are welcome," he said with a little bit of disdain.

"I liiike hisss thinking," Lenny chimed in.

"Of course you do," I chuckled. "I thought this would be a store in Diagon Alley," I admitted.

"Diagon Alley is in London. You'll have to travel via border control to get there, and they don't do so well with non-humans," Orpheus explained as he strode up the stairs.

"Ha magical border patrol... never thought I'd hear about that," I said amused. "So what are we here for exactly?"

"I have business with some colleagues. I will drop you off at Wendy's and I expect you will look presentable by then."

As if to evade my questions he continued walking faster. I ran behind his unfairly long strides with his long legs, noting how he kept his long black hair in braids to the side and a pony tail up the back. He was just really long looking in general. But more importantly he was clean shaven and wearing nicely tailored clothes that suited him and spoke of richness and power. I could appreciate someone who kept a tidy appearance and looking at myself I could understand why he felt revulsion. I looked horrible. The idea of new clothes made my giddy. Fashion was always fun and looking good did wonders to my self-esteem. Plus no one wanted to walk around looking like a street urchin.

I hadn't been so focused on my looks recently because, well... magic. The excitement of actually learning real life magic had really taken priority over fashion. Heck, even now it was a little hard to focus on what I wanted to wear when there were literal magical creatures all around me chatting to each other like they were in a giant conical mall... which this was exactly.

Finally we stopped at what I presumed to be Wendy's. It was a dark maroon store, very similar to the colour of my hair actually. We stepped in and the bell chimed with the door. I noted a wide array of dresses, skirts, and shirts all in different styles and my excitement grew. Orpheus made a disgusted face at my glee before going wide eyed as he heard another squeal.

"Orpheus!"

I snickered as the man basically teleported away from the woman. I noted her hair was a white almost golden colour and she was too pretty to be a human for sure. If I was in an older body, I would have definitely been jealous of Orpheus for hogging her attentions. Alas I was a child. A teeny tiny innocent child.

"Bistra I'm not here for me, I'm here for this child," he said pointing at me.

Said woman turned to me and her smile turned into a scowl as she came closer and sniffed me. Her eyes slitted and her hair turned a bright silver as it stood up in anger and I sent Orpheus a nervous laugh. Thankfully Bistra turned her anger to the man.

"You had a Dhampir child! Who was the harlot who seduced you!" she screeched.

"Calm down Bistra, she isn't my child!"

Orpheus looked genuinely terrified of the now ugly woman. I watched the interaction with wide eyed curiosity.

"Then why does she smell like a half undead offspring!"

"I have no clue! I found her today in my safe house. She's not a half-breed Vampire. Check her fangs."

Not a moment later hands were in mouth again, this time it was my jaw being pried open by a very scary bird lady. Apparently having found no fangs the woman's face went back to its normal beautiful self and she pulled away with an almost apologetic look.

I held my face defensively and Lenny hissed angrily as he agitatedly shot at the lady who jumped away.

"Ssstaaay away from the moouth flap," Lenny hissed angrily, and really I could only agree.

"I really am beginning to think that putting you hand in someone's mouth is a magical greeting," I said while rolling my sore jaw.

"Sorry about that," she said apologetically, before scratching the back of her head sheepishly. "I didn't mean to jump to conclusions, but you said something about hands in your mouth. Don't tell me Orpheus tried to eat you—”

"— And it's been a lovely day!" Orpheus shot quickly, clearly unwilling to confront that awkward moment where he sucked on my fingers. I snickered at his social plight, and Bistra looking entirely too curious wasn't helping the urge to tease the man. I held myself back. We had just met, and I really wanted to be on his good side.

"You're leaving already? Can't we try on some clothes honey?"

Orpheus paled a little before he cleared his throat and straightened himself. "I'm leaving Arete here in your care. I have business to attend to."

"Where are you going? Those colleagues of yours?" I asked.

His dark eyes paused their gaze on me for a second as if to contemplate something.

"Indeed. This information is only on a need to know basis and you don't need to know it yet. First clean up. Good day Bistra," Orpheus said hastily before he vanished away.

"Aww, I do enjoy these games of cat and mouse he plays with me," Bistra said a little dreamily.

Orpheus really did have a love-sick fan. I turned to Bistra and this time when she looked at me it was with a friendly smile. I was very glad I wasn't actually Orpheus's bastard daughter.

"So Arete right. You poor child, what are you wearing?" She said holding her cheeks in shock and shaking her head as she finally looked at my clothes.

"Long story short, just ran from an orphanage and spent two weeks in a forest," I said sheepishly.

"Oh my, I assume they didn't have much of a range of clothes in the orphanage. Not to worry, we'll find you something. You have the cutest little face," she said bending over to bop my nose.

I held my nose in confusion as Lenny snickered. I remembered that I was physically around five or six in this body and probably looked more adorable than anything.

"Well let's get you some clothes."

"Will Orpheus pay?" I asked.

"He's an incredibly rich man. It shouldn't be an issue," Brista waved away.

Well then, this was going to be extremely fun!

* * *

I looked at myself in the mirror and grinned, pulling the witch hat down and posing. Bistra chuckled behind me and I grinned back at her. I think she had me try on the whole store. The fact that magic could resize and change the colour of any outfit also made this a lot more fun. It felt almost like I was at the character customisation phase of the game. Oh how I missed games.

"You have a good eye for clothes. You must be a natural," she said praising me and ruffling my hair.

"Yeah let's go with that." It definitely wasn't because I was an adult with already established tastes. "I reckon Lenny's getting bored so we should wrap it up," I said looking at my companion who was now curled up and sleeping on a shelf.

"Put on an outfit now. Can't have you walking out in this trash," she said holding up my baggy jumper with a disgusted look.

I nodded eagerly and entered the changing rooms again. I ended up wearing a frilly collared shirt tucked into a high waisted pastel green skirt with bracers. I pulled up my stockings and tried on my new leather heeled shoes and felt like myself again. It was just missing one thing.

"Do you have any glasses?" I asked.

In my previous life I had terrible vision and it just felt like something was missing on my face. So I was eager to buy something nice. Plus Orpheus was paying and I felt like this was his apology money for sticking my hand in his mouth.

"Yes we have a small collection," she said gesturing me to the other end of the store.

I looked through the range and was surprised that they all looked unique and interesting, but one caught my eyes almost instantly.

"I'd like that one."

"Interesting choice. This one's enchanted to adjust the brightness just right."

I put it on and grinned. It was a golden rimmed crescent moon frame with red tinted glass.

"I look like Elton John and I'm vibing with it," I said pleased.

"Not sure who that is but I think it looks fabulous! I'm a little sad I couldn't pick out a style for you though. You would look good in a jumpsuit."

"Maybe next time," I replied.

Honestly. the clothes made the person. Presentation went a whole way in how others perceived you, and dressing had to make a statement. Mine had always been a little more bold and bright. Not too crazy that I would be looked at weirdly but definitely not drab in anyway, and a hundred percent fitting so I looked rich. As a poor person in the past finding the right cheap outfit that still made you look put together is what landed a good job and made a good first impression. That lesson had always stuck with me.

I looked at the exit and frowned. It had been about 40 minutes since Orpheus left. I’d only known the man for such a brief period of time that it did make me wonder if I should stick around. He was a vampire. I had clothes now that I could leave with if I played things safe. I could get lost in the magical world for a bit and find out a way to monetise something or another. It wasn’t that hard to make money if you were creative with it. The issue was that I would have a potentially angry vampire on my tail, and other than him possibly burning in the sun, and his allergy for garlic, I doubted there was much I could do to hurt him in a confrontation.

I needed to find him. Get some answers on what exactly he was involved in. More often than not people weren’t truthful, and I quite enjoyed knowing what was going on. There had been far too many surprises recently for my liking.

“You shouldn’t try and find him, you know,” Bistra interrupted my thoughts.

“Oh, and what made you think I was going to?” I asked innocently batting my lashes.

She chuckled. “You’re going to be such a handful, but I think it’ll do Orpheus some good to take care more often. But I’ll tell you this because I like you. Orpheus isn’t a _good_ man, not by any stretch of the means. He has integrity in the work he does, and he doesn’t often lie, but he’s a man of half-truths and subtle dealings. If you know what’s smart, you’ll pull out as soon as you can.”

I hummed in thought at that. So he was a tricky cunt. I’d dealt with that sort a lot. It wasn’t like I was new to dangerous people. My previous life had more than a few brimey old bastards that felt the need to meddle in my life, make it a little dangerous, but that was just some flavour—a bit of spice to the journey that is life. I’d stick with Orpheus for now. If he turned out to be a good enough bloke I’d stick around for a bit longer.

“You don’t have to worry about me. Lenny will save me if anything bad happens, won’t you?” I asked the curled snake.

“I won’t,” he replied flatly.

“He said he’s got my back,” I replied to Bistra with a wink.

Just when she was about to say something else, the door opened again and when I turned around there was Orpheus holding a bag full of different herbs and oddities. He gave me a once over before turning to Bistra who had called out his name gleefully to give him a hug.

“Arete here is such a darling! Such a good eye with fashion too. Do bring her around more often,” Bistra said, winking at Orpheus.

“Glad you haven’t—”

“—Haven’t what?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he sighed before he placed a bag full of coin on the table.

I blinked in mild amusement at the exchange of currency. It looked like a lot, but that wasn’t what was bothering me.

“Wait hold on a bloody minute. You’re telling me magic exists and we use crusty old coins?” I asked in disappointment. “Even us ‘muggles’ have the credit card these days, don’t we?”

Bistra sent me a confused look and Orpheus rolled his eyes. He ignored my question, putting a hand on my back and guiding me to the door. He sent the dreamy eyed store owner a nervous grin before hastily tipping his hat and making his escape to the door.

“Thanks for your help Bistra,” he said quickly.

“No issue beautiful! Come by more!”

“Of course,” he said giving her a fake smile before it instantly turned sour when he turned around.

I chuckled as I jogged after his long strides out of the store and back into the conical magical mall. A few men dressed in typical robed fashion walked by, tipping their hats subtly to Orpheus before leaving. I frowned as I noted the same bottles and ingredients poking out of their purchases. What exactly was going on? Was there some conspiracy I was unaware of? Most probably I was overthinking things and Orpheus went to a gentlemen’s club for potions brewing or something.

“Now that you look presentable, I will be taking you to my family manor.”

“Are you a Count?” I asked.

“No, but I am from a Nobel line of wizards… or at least we _were_.”

“Why not anymore?”

“Because we are vampires.”

There was probably more to it than that, but it sounded like Orpheus didn’t want to encroach on that topic any further. I figured pressing for more information would be wasted effort, and so I ran behind him hauling my clothes.

“Say it clearly. Lestoat Manor,” Orpheus instructed as he gestured to the powder piled into gilded cauldrons by the fireplace exit.

I watched him get in and throw down the magical dust. He was engulfed in green flame, which was more epic to witness in person than it ever was to watch in a movie.

“Do we have to get in thereee again?” Lenny complained.

“Aw come on Lenny! Can you imagine how many cool poses we can do when we emerge from the flames. We’d look like a bloody rock band.”

Lenny hissed another complaint, and I rolled my eyes in amusement as I threw down the powder and clearly stated—

“Lestoat Manor!”

* * *

Here's a little picture of Arete in her current age/outfit!

For more of my art find me at Instagram @jaz_hop 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First a snake, then a vampire- soon Arete will be making friends with a Dementor ¯\\(◉◡◔)/¯
> 
> Arete is somewhere around nearly 6 at this stage in her life. I wanted to explore a bit of her early years before she goes to Hogwarts and so if there's a few more original characters at the early end of the story, it's because of that. I don't actually have a massive plan for this story as of now but knowing me canon will probably cease to exist the moment the main plot events happen. I have a massive dislike for rehashing already written stories with an oc insert. Mostly because going through the books and movies to rewrite word for word what people said is veerrrrry boring for me as a writer, and probably to the reader as well—although I'm definitely not shitting on the people who do enjoy reading those kinds of stories. Everyone has their tastes after all!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who left a review and followed! Made my day that this got so many likes on its first chapter! Check out my art of Arete on Instagram @jaz_hop


	3. Multiclassing Into Rogue?

I emerged from green flames into a dark room lit dimly with candles. Lenny slithered uncomfortably on my shoulder from the floo teleportation. I was too enraptured by the medieval haunted aesthetic going on to really be concerned about his well-being. The walls were made of sturdy stone, several red bannisters hung from the walls and the age-old wooden furniture seemed to be in good condition despite the years to wear it down. A long table sat in the middle of the room by the working fireplace on the other side. Maybe wizards had a fireplace specifically for travel and another for heating? I had no idea how this insanely wonderful world worked.

“Wow, it’s definitely a cheery place,” I said clapping my hands.

Orpheus glowered at me. “Your comments are unnecessary.”

I mimed zipping my lips but couldn’t help the amused grin that took my face that ruined the chided act I was going for. Thankfully, Orpheus turned around to the sound of thumping and I was faced with a pale old lady.

“What’s this, you finally decided to bring some livestock?” the crabby old voice croaked out.

I examined the pale lady, how her back hunched, and her black eyes looked slightly milky in the middle, and how despite the age showing she still had a head of thick white hair tied up in a massive bee-comb style. She was also wearing a really nice dress. Well at least fashion didn’t die with age.

“Apparently I taste off, but I disagree,” I said with a grin.

Orpheus sighed before he was hit on the head by a cane stick. I snorted in amusement and quickly moved to hold my mouth, but it was too late.

“Mother—”

“Another stray human? Didn’t the last one teach you a lesson?” she grumbled before she turned to me and frowned.

It looked like she wasn’t even trying to take me in, more like she was sniffing me. I crossed my arms and pouted when she grimaced and held her nose.

“This one does smell of. A damphir then? Well at least that’s mildly better than a human,” she continued on in distaste.

“She won’t be staying here for long. I simply need her to complete some tasks. This is not like last time. Not at all,” Orpheus said, his voice thinning at the end like he was losing his patience.

“Well then off boy. At least this new one doesn’t look so scruffy. I will tell the men she is off the menu.”

“Gee thanks, although I still stand by the case that if you were to eat me—which you shouldn’t—I’d be delicious.”

“I’m sure you would,” she replied idly as she bopped me on the head with her cane.

“Come along child, we have business to attend to,” Orpheus said grabbing my shoulder.

“Geeze give a girl a break,” I grumbled as he dragged me along.

We walked through the dark castle rather quickly which didn’t allow me a moment of time to really look at the place. I did note the lack of any help around. Without maids or butlers it was odd to think a castle this big would be clean, but I figured magic was the cause.

It was only a few minutes in when suddenly I was grabbed by my collar and rushed into a room. I blinked in confusion and Lenny hissed in agitation next to me. Orpheus looked rather distressed for a second, but it seemed more serious than it was with Bistra. I was hastily shoved into a closet.

“Stay here, don’t make a sound, and don’t come out,” he whispered harshly before he hastily closed the door behind him.

I was a little frazzled, but I decided to listen for once. He didn’t seem like he was kidding around this time. I heard the door open and heavy footsteps come in and I peered forward, looking through the cracks of the wooden closet and holding my nose so I wouldn’t breathe in more dust. A large man entered, his face set square and menacing, fingernails long like claws and face full of thick untamed dark brown hair. Orpheus fixed his suit and whatever distress he was in before disappeared in an instant.

“Lestoat, have you procured the items I asked for?” the man asked, his voice harbouring a sort of animalistic growl behind his throat.

“I sssmell blood,” Lenny said agitatedly.

“You think he’s a vampire?” I whispered in parseltongue.

“Noo sssomething elsse,” Lenny replied in frustration.

I shut my mouth when the man turned to look at the cupboard. Orpheus snapped his attention quickly back to him.

“We’re prepped and ready. You should ensure your men are ready to go too,” Orpheus replied quickly, taking a step to the right slightly to block the large man’s view of the cupboard.

“You should learn to watch your tongue vampire. You’re only of use because of your connections, but I’m the one with the army. Don’t you dare think of ordering me around again,” the large man growled, pointed teeth showing.

“Rest assured, I’m not looking to challenge your authority or position. A deal is a deal, but we are done afterwards,” Orpheus said undeterred from the other man’s display of dominance.

I was impressed. The big hairy man looked rather terrifying, and although Orpheus was a tall man too, he looked barely like a stick standing next to whoever this figure was. Standing up to someone like that took guts. Orpheus had balls of steel.

“Well then it was good to catch up… but before I go—”

I startled backwards with an indignant yelp when the burly man shot past Orpheus with startling speed towards the cupboard. He opened it and Lenny hissed out at him only for him to be grabbed by the head.

“Lenny!”

Before I could reach out for my partner, I was pulled up like a rag doll by my hands. I looked up, paling considerably at the predatorial look I was received with. A large toothy smile pulled his face.

“You were hiding a child from me Orpheus. You know how much I enjoy eating them!”

“Let go of her Greyback. I have use for this one,” Orpheus gritted out, a tone darker than usual.

Greyback? As in Fenrir Greyback, the famous evil were-wolf that turned Professor Lupin as a child and enjoyed mutilating and cannibalising little children? Oh fuck, how the heck did I manage to get myself involved in this? My thoughts were cut off when Greyback raised me up higher, until my hands were close to his mouth and he dragged his tongue up my fingers, eyeing Orpheus challengingly at the same time. I cringed back in disgust… at the same time Greyback did?

What the fuck?

“Erk! Why does she taste like rotten meat?!” Greyback asked, gagging.

_RUDE!_

“I do not taste bad!” I finally ground out in irritation.

I was received with blank looks from both men and I sighed. Greyback dropped me to the ground and examined me.

“She isn’t human?” he asked with a growl.

“She’s a dhampir. 46 years of age,” Orpheus lied easily.

Greyback looked irked by that knowledge. “I almost ate an old woman,” he gagged.

I grabbed Lenny before he was dropped, protectively cradling him against my chest. This was the third greeting with my hands in someone’s mouth! What was up with that?!

“Even if I’m a 46 year old dhampir, I taste great,” I protested with a scowl.

Orpheus picked me up quickly from underneath my armpits, laughing forcibly while sending me a look that screamed ‘shut up or I’ll do it for you’. I mimed zipping my lips again and was grateful that Greyback was already walking towards the door. Seemed like he only had a fetish for human children… he seriously deserved to die—but that begged the question. Why wasn’t I to his taste? As far as I knew I was human… right?

Oh god, did I have a cool mysterious backstory in this world? Was I like the secret love child of some ancient noble household on the brink of social collapse, and was therefore abandoned by the road? Maybe I was cursed and needed to find my true love to finally taste good? Then maybe people wouldn’t be too disgusted by me when they put my hand in their mouths?

“That mannnn will dieeee!” Lenny hissed in agitation as he slithered around on my shoulders in anger. “He dare touuuch me!”

“Greyback is gone,” Orpheus sighed in relief as he adjusted me in his arms, and then he sent me a look.

“What?” I asked indignantly.

“You look like you’re thinking of something stupid and unreasonable,” he grunted.

“Exactly what does that expression look like?!” I asked irked before I pouted and crossed my arms.

Orpheus sighed again but he looked agitated still. “Don’t go near that man you hear me! You’re lucky you smell like death to us, or I don’t think it would have ended so peacefully. If you see him or his men, you hide or walk back to me.”

“Oh, I’m so glad you care about lil’ old me! Don’t worry I’ll run away from that cunt! I can’t believe he thought I was fucking disgusting! Even if I was 46, I’d still be delicious! You magical men just have no taste.”

Orpheus rubbed the bridge of his nose before he put me down and held my hand like I was some sort of naughty child that needed minding. Considering that I was physically five, he probably wasn’t wrong, but it still irked me that I was an adult inside and it didn’t apparently translate enough to my behaviour for me to be treated like one.

“I didn’t call you here for no reason at all. You promised me to be obedient and to do the tasks I set out for you. Well I need those tasks done.”

“Not waiting a moment huh. Well I can respect the hustle. What tasks?” I asked.

“How good are you at conning and stealing?” Orpheus asked looking my way with a critical eye.

I couldn’t help the grin that stretched my face. Oh this was going to be interesting~

* * *

I was dressed like a boy much to my ire. It had been a lifetime since I was forced to wear pants! It was so constricting, and not to mention unflattering on my figure, but I had to admit it was easier to get around in them. The lack of any frills or colours on my shirt was atrocious, and so I did the only sane thing I could think of; I decided to make this drab boy my alter-ego so I didn’t have to bear the shame of presenting this fashion disaster as Arete. I painstakingly shoved my curly hair into a hat and put away my glasses and decided to get my hands dirty.

“You’d think a person would be reluctant to send a vulnerable little lady like me to a place like this,” I grumbled to Lenny.

“I don’t think anyone will waaant to eaat you. You have proven to tassste dissgusssting,” Lenny replied.

“Ouch Lenny, don’t be a cunt, I taste delicious! Those bastards just don’t know a good flavour when they try it,” I protested in irritation.

Dammit, I tasted lovely! Everyone here probably just ate too much chili and burnt their taste buds, because no way in Voldemort’s shiny bald head, did I taste bad! I managed to keep my grumbling to a minimum though. As much as it hurt my ego, it was also the reason I had all my limbs at the moment. Plus it wasn’t like people were just lining up to _eat_ little girls. They probably had a number of nefarious things they would do to them, and I wasn’t in the mood to experience trauma and become a brooding emo character.

“The chalissse,” he reminded me.

“Oh right, it should be in the Bogg’s Burrow… what the actual fuck are these D&D names?” I asked looking at the map Orpheus had granted me before he dumped me in some wizarding street in Scotland.

Surprisingly there seemed to not be a lot of wizarding places with just humans roaming around. Most of it was situated in England and Paris, but there were a few small counties in other minor European countries for human wizards and witches, and places like the Spire were rarer but more packed. It turned out non-human magical creatures existed in quite the numbers, and because they rarely ventured into non-magical territory, they seemed to be larger in numbers in the places where they resided. At the same time you’d be hard pressed to find any of them roaming around in Diagon Alley either, considering they preferred to stay away from bigoted humans. I figured it was better than trying to intermingle with witches and wizards if they were anything like they were in the books. Racist cunts that they were… although it seemed that racism was being thrown in every direction at this stage.

“I sssmell dark magiccc,” Lenny warned me.

“Well sure. Not like I’d be stealing something from an up and proper shop now would I. The chalice is probably cursed, which is why I nabbed these earlier.”

I held out my nifty new enchanted gloves. This one I’d permanently _borrowed_ from what looked like a trustful kind of store. I figured it was best to take some proper precautions before jumping straight into thievery. Potions to make you stealthy and that sort were hard to find and hidden behind locked and enchanted glass casings. These gloves while rare and hard to procure had been the only one I’d been willing to take the risk to steal, and it was after a considerable amount of time waiting for someone to come and ask to buy it. When the owner had taken it out and moved onto a few more things for his client to peruse, I took the moment of distraction to discreetly store it away.

I put on my curse detecting gloves and walked into the store behind another man. Slipping into the place as discreetly as I could. My heart beat quicker in anticipation as I watched the storekeeper interact with the customer. I went to hide behind the shelf. I looked around for the chalice and spotted it in a glass container behind the desk.

Getting behind the table would be tricky, but I wasn't going to give up just yet. I grinned at Lenny.

"Time to be useful little man. Go capture their attention," I whispered.

"No, I don't feel like it," he said lazily around my shoulder.

I rolled my eyes. "Ok I'll find you some juicy rabbit meat ok."

That caught his attention and he nodded. I watched in abated breath as Lenny rolled from my arm and slithered onto the floor in front of the wizard. I quickly grabbed onto the curtain and began climbing up and over to the hanging plants. I grabbed the railing as I heard the screaming and cursing and I used my momentum to jump down behind the large table. I rushed behind the pillar holding the chalice and grabbed it quickly. I shoved it into the satchel I was given and then climbed up the wall shelf to go hide back behind the bookshelf I was behind first.

Lenny had slithered away to the right end of the store where he was hissing in agitation as spells were shot at him by two terrified men. I hissed at him to come along as I slid the door open for him. He saw me and decided to follow after I made my way out. Thankfully, he made it out safe and back onto my arms because the moment he latched on I made a run for it into a nearby store's indent and watched as the two men ran out looking for the snake. With a grin I held up the glass casing and broke it against the stone wall before grabbing the chalice inside and running away.

"I will never do thissss for you again," Lenny grumbled.

"Oh cheer up you poor sod. Look what we got," I said happily as I showed him the crystal encrusted chalice.

"You reckon its some sort of enchanted cup? Oh! Oh! What if it turns water into wine!"

"What would be the purposssse of that then?" Lenny said irritably.

"Who doesn't want an endless supply of alcohol. That big brimey bastard," I said in disbelief. "I would totally understand Orpheus sending us out here to risk our lives for something that amazing," I said nodding my head. "Although that would still make him a right cunt for throwing us into danger... but if it’s for good alcohol I can forgive him."

“Your prioritiessss need worksss,” my snake replied disinterestedly.

“Ok, ok enough chatting Lenny. We better get this to Orpheus before—”

“—Before what?”

“Eeep!”

I nearly jumped out of my socks as I turned around to see the red-faced store owner. Before I could run away I was grabbed by my collar and raised up. Lenny hissed and shot his fangs out and the man dropped me again.

“That bloody vampire,” the owner grumbled. “I ought to keep the chalice for this disturbance of my work. He lost me a client!”

“You know him huh. It’s obvious by your angry reaction. Can’t blame you he’s a mean little shit,” I sighed.

“You better watch your tongue child.”

“Eeep! Where are you lot coming from?!” I shouted in shock as I turned around to see Orpheus having teleported behind me. He shoved his hand down my jacket and pulled out the lump that was the chalice. I held my chest in horror before I realised, I was a five-year-old and suddenly being so scandalised didn’t make much sense.

“Why’d you send the boy in to grab your purchase. I had it ready waiting for you to pick it up! You didn’t need to disrupt my business,” the store owner grumbled.

“Apologies Marvin, I simply wanted to test out this child’s skills in thievery. How would you rate her?”

“A 7/10 give or take. He did do a pretty good job of it at first but began dallying around talking to his snake...” the man replied honestly and in thought before he realised once again that he should be affronted and angry. “Don’t try to change the subject Lestoat! You better not pull this again you hear me!”

“My apologies. I assure you it’s a one of thing. She wasn’t meant to disturb you in the first place,” Orpheus said glaring.

“She sicked a snake on me and my client!”

“Again apologies. We must be leaving now,” Orpheus said hastily as he picked me up by the scruff of my collar and apparated away.

I huffed in his arms, feeling wholly too irritated at this whole situation. I put in all that effort for a _test_? Not to mention I’d sworn to give Lenny a rabbit! A pure innocent animal would have to die now because of Orpheus’s stupid test.

“That chalice better be a source of infinite wine, or I’ll never forgive you!” I said glaring his way.

“What are you prattling on about brat? Well either way you’ve managed to complete your test. I will take you on as my apprentice.”

“Wait apprentice?” I asked in shock.

He held up the gloves I had stolen with the closest things to an impressed expression. He put me down in the forest and handed it back to me.

“Stealing something like that was proof enough child that you have potential, but for what I plan to accomplish I’ll need more than just your skills in thievery. I’ll need someone strong enough to fit into small tight places and pass of as someone else. You’ll need training and so henceforth you are my apprentince.”

“Is that why we’re at the cabin again?” I asked excitedly. “You’re going to teach me here?”

“No, I have other matters to attend to for today. This is where you will stay.”

“What? But you have an entire castle and this cabin doesn’t have _plumbing_ or a shower,” I whined.

“You were fine with that for months,” he pointed out.

“But it’s because I had no choice! No please don’t leave me my benevolent, handsome, dashing, _beautifully kind-hearted_ sir!” I cried holding onto his legs.

Orpheus apparated away as if my contact was disgusting and I found myself on the ground arms, reaching out in horror as he waved a quick goodbye and left via floo.

“NOOOO!”

“What are you whining about now?” Lenny grumbled. “The vampire has left us in peace.”

“No Lenny you don’t understand! Plumbing Lenny, _plumbing_! Not to mention hot showers! Nooo my hot showers,” I cried in devastation.

“Ssstop your complaining and get me a rabbit.”

I sniffled as I stood up and decided to accept my fate. That’s when I noticed a pile of books by the fireplace. I walked over and there was a note on top.

‘Start of your lessons. Read and memorise these books by the end of the week. Good luck.’

“Time for my rabbit!” Lenny called out.

I crumpled the paper and lamented on my terrible luck.

“I don’t taste bad and I deserve my modern comforts dammit!”

“Rabbit!”

“UGH FINE!”

With that I went out into the forest, tears pouring out of my eyes as I realised my life of hardship had only just begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these chapters are taking time to put out, but it’s because I have another story, I’m slightly more dedicated too. I really don’t know how I’ve managed to keep the Arete tasting bad gag going for so long, but it’s a thing now. XD Leave your thoughts in a review if you enjoy this story. I’d like to know where you think Arete is going to end up, cause she’s extremely chaotic and it’s super fun to write.

**Author's Note:**

> Just had this idea running around in my head for a while. Arete is not exactly a self-insert (although she kinda is). Like I’m no whizz at probability maths or anything, but we have the same-ish personality, expect her chaos is just amped up to a hundred. But I know Si/Oc’s have been done to death. I still can’t help myself :’)  
> Also if Arete says ‘cunt’ a lot, it’s because a lot of Australians use it (sometimes even as a term of endearment) Maybe not everywhere in Australia, but definitely where I come from. I know it’s seen as a taboo word in America so just putting out a casual reminder here, that it isn’t where I come from.  
> Leave a review to let me know your thoughts!


End file.
